A few months ago, my friend Julie offered to babysit for some friends of hers. She mentioned that she'd be bringing the kids to Mass with her and she might need an extra set of hands. After Mass she and I had a meeting to talk about Vacation Bible School because we are coordinating it this summer. It was during that meeting, while I was holding the little boy, that someone else asked how old he was. I overheard Julie answer the question and also mention that he had been born close to her birthday. It wasn't until another few minutes had passed that my brain finally clicked. The baby I was holding was the same age as the baby I had lost would have been.
I had a lot of feelings all at once at that point. Mostly it was surreal. As in, I couldn't fathom having a baby that age. I couldn't believe that I hadn't realized it earlier. I realized that I was quite content to rock this little boy and change his diaper and then give him back when I was done.
I get those same feelings again as I write this. I don't ever want to imply that I wouldn't have welcomed a new life into our family. I still mourn that. I still watch my kids mourn that. But I also feel a little bit weird because I like how our life is. I don't mourn waking up 2-3 times a night for feedings and diaper changes. I don't mourn maternity leave and finding/paying for infant care.
Honestly, I'm scared to say these things sometimes. I know plenty of women who have suffered a miscarriage who feel differently. I don't want to diminish their feelings at all. There isn't a miscarriage contest for the hardest one, or the easiest one. There are days that I really hate how I feel. There are days that I am able to convince myself that the way I feel is okay. There are days I cry. And there are days when I don't think of it at all.
There are days when I wonder who this person would have been. The nice thing is that in my imagination it's easy to pretend that this kid would have been the super chill, easy one. This kid wouldn't have gotten in trouble, or fought with his/her siblings. This kid would have excelled at school AND sports AND the arts. I can pretend all those things. Because the truth is, I'll never know.
If I could find out, would I? Would I take a glimpse at the toddler learning to walk? The school-aged kid learning to read. His first soccer goal? Her first violin recital? What about those ages I haven't experienced at all with any of my kids? Will I feel like there is a high school graduation missing? Is there an extra wedding I should have been planning for? Are there fictional grandchildren I'll wonder about?
And I have other questions. How would Frances feel to finally have the sister she always wanted? What would Benjamin's role as a big brother have looked like? Would Henry have paired up with this sibling the way that Frances and Benjamin have paired up with each other?
In the end, I tell myself the same things I told one of the kiddos at bedtime this week: "I know you're sad. And it's okay to be sad. There will always be times we're going to be sad about this." And then I offered up this prayer: "God, please take good care of Lucky up there in Heaven. Tell him we miss him and we love him very much. Give him a cookie and some extra ice cream tonight. Give him an extra hug and take good care of him until we get to meet him someday."
Your prompt is: If you could bring back anyone from death, just for a day, and get to spend an entire day with them . . . Who do you bring back? It can be someone you know personally, or someone who you've never met. It was submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com
You've been reading a Secret Subject Swap. This week 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:
Baking In A Tornado http://www.BakingInATornado.com
Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/
The Blogging 911 http://theblogging911.com
The Lieber Family Blog http://thelieberfamily.com
Sparkly Poetic Weirdo http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/
The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com
Bookworm in the Kitchen http://www.bookwormkitchen.com/
Simply Shannon http://shannonbutler.org
Southern Belle Charm http://www.southernbellecharm.com
Confessions of a part-time working mom http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/
Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com
Climaxed http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com
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