Calming Caddy

Here are some really cute pictures of Henry:

I want you to see them because that is how I think of him.  But lately he's been having some anger issues.  Something will set him off and he just seems to explode!  He curls up his fists and makes a mean face and his whole body just shakes.

He was mad because somebody laughed at him

If he's mad at me or Ken, it usually stops there; but if he's mad at a peer or sibling, he has started hitting or throwing things.  Definitely not what I want to see!!  In the heat of the moment, his behavior makes me mad. I have yelled at him, spanked him, or sent him to his room.  That makes him more angry and it makes me feel awful because I knew that my solutions were not helping the problem.  In fact, in calm retrospection after the fact, I recognized that my reactions were probably making the problem worse.

I emailed the guidance counselor at the kids' school and set up an appointment.  Ken was off from work and able to come too, so we both heard the same information at the same time.  Here's what we talked about:

• Anger is a healthy emotion--there is nothing wrong with being angry
• Kindergarten is a tough time, especially for boys--kids have a lot of rules and regulations placed on them and they don't get much chance to just run around
• Being the middle kids is hard--you don't get all the privaleges of being oldest or all the "cute points" for being youngest
• Anger management strategies can be taught.

So with that in mind, and some other ideas from the guidance counselor, Ken and I headed off to the Dollar Store.  We picked up a little shower caddy and some other items to put together "Henry's Calming Caddy"

1. pinwheel (I cut off the point at then end and wrapped the stick with electrical tape to make it sturdier)
2. glitter jar (water, glue, glitter, food coloring--glue the lid on and shake)
3. shark ice pack with cool beads inside
4. lotion
5. "puzzle links"  They click and you can make cool shapes out of it.
6. mini tissue box
7. coloring book and crayons
8. bubbles
9. play-doh
10. squeeze animal 

Frances was with Ken at ballet last night, so it was a good time to talk to Henry about being angry.  I drew an outline of a body and asked him to show me where he felt the anger.  He identified his head, arms/hands, and feet.  Then he said something so significant that I immediately wrote it down: "I feel like I have long nails and I can scratch so hard."

I was so proud of him for being able to articulate what it feels like to be angry. (And I made sure to tell him that.)  We went on to discuss tools. I explained that tools are the special items that you need in order to do a job.  If you wanted to clean the living room, your tool would be a vacuum cleaner.  If you wanted to build a shelf, your tool would be a drill.  I explained that tools were different than toys because toys are for playing with, but tools are doing a job.

Then I reminded him that my most important job as a parent was to help him to grow up to be the best Henry he could be.  And I told him that in order to do that I wanted to help him by giving him some tools he could use to control his angry outbursts.

By this time Ken was home, so he kept an eye on the other two while I took Henry in my room and showed him his "Calming Caddy."

He was very excited to see it. I reiterated the part about these items being tools and not toys.  One thing that I think will help with that is the fact that there are duplicates of all these items in the toy box.  We talked about what happens when he gets angry and how this basket could help.  If he feels angry and wants to calm down he can come in my room and get some of his tools.  Or sometimes Mommy and Daddy might recognize that he needs to calm down and send him in there.  We hid the basket under our bed and told him he can sit on the floor down there to use his tools.  He can even lock the door to keep siblings out.

After I was done explaining the caddy to him, I asked him to go get his pajamas on and get ready for bed and then we would have time for a cartoon before he went to sleep.  In the hour or so between our conversation and bedtime, he got "mad" six times.  I use quotes because I could tell that he wasn't really mad.  Some minor annoyance would occur and he would say, "I'm mad!! I need my tools!" and then he would stomp off to my room and shut the door.  The two times I got up to check on him he was happily playing on the floor with his new toys tools.

I decided to go ahead and let him because he was using the correct vocabulary and procedure. I knew that having a whole basket of new items that were just for him would be too hard for him to resist.  The real test will come the next time he is actually mad. I anticipate it will happen sometime this weekend. I promise to report back.